Evaporated
by dariamf
Summary: This is postHBP and preDH.  The story is from SS' POV about mistakes he's made.  Please be gentle with the reviews  it's my first story.  I would love to hear what you have to say.


Disclaimer: Post HBP. pre-DH. I do not own the characters or any part of the Harry Potter universe in this story, (J.K. Rowling does), or the song that inspired it, (Ben Folds Five does), but oh how I wish I did.

Author's Note: I love this song, (Evaporated by Ben Folds Five), and I thought it would be perfect for my favorite pairing. It's a one-shot set post-HBP from Severus' point of view. I hope you enjoy it. Endless thanks to my beta moonrevel! Please review. It's my first fic and I would love to know how you think I did.

Evaporated

I've done a lot in my past that I'm not proud of. If I were to be perfectly honest, there's a lot in my past that I still can't think of without being sick. It's no less than I deserve, I suppose. After all, I did kill the only man who ever truly believed in me. I sit in my room, wondering what could have been had I chosen a different path. Still, I know that the despair I feel is so much less a punishment than I deserve. What surprises me, still, to this day, is that she was the only one in the Order to believe me, the only one who doubted my guilt. And yet, she was the one I managed to push farther away than anyone else.

Now that the final battle is over and Harry Potter has finally killed the Dark Lord, I have no idea what to do. Even though the entire Wizarding world now knows that I never betrayed Albus Dumbledore, I can't figure out how to repair the damage I've done to her. I may never be able to. It's so strange to me that I would think of my Muggle father at a time like this. He was never what I needed him to be. He hated my mother for her magic. He hated me more because of her. She was the only one who sought to protect me. He thought that he could beat the magic of her, and she thought that she could keep me strong enough for the magic to survive the beatings. So, why, after years of cowering at his feet, do I suddenly feel the need to take after him and run as far away as I can go? I know Hermione will never have me now. Not after everything I've done.

I remember the first time I saw her after I fled Hogwarts. She looked so beautiful and windswept. She had been searching for me for a month. The Ministry, countless Aurors, and even the Muggle police were looking for me and she was the only one who found me. I should have known that if she wanted to find me, she would. She was relentless in her research. She showed up at my home on Spinners End and demanded that I speak with her. Thankfully Wormtail was no longer with me. That would have been awkward indeed. She told me that she knew I wouldn't have killed Dumbledore unless he had given me no choice. She said she _believed_ in me, and that she would be willing to be my contact within the Order if I would allow it, if I would continue my role as double agent for them. At first I railed at her, called her a foolish girl for seeking me out, and tried to send her away with empty threats. She simply stood there and repeated what she had said. I finally relented, if only to get her to leave me. I felt enough guilt over what I had done without seeing her, the only witch I would ever think of as my equal. And so it began.

For more than a year, we secretly met in dark alleys, Muggle pubs and the like, so that I could give her information to help the Order. In all that time, I couldn't help noticing how much she had changed. She was no longer the bushy-haired know-it-all from my classroom. She had grown into a mature, serious woman hell-bent on helping her friend overcome the greatest threat to our world. She shouldered responsibilities that should have been far beyond a woman of eighteen. I felt myself drawn to her, all the while telling myself that no good could come of it. Even if I were ever free to walk beside her when this was over, I couldn't. I wouldn't destroy her with the whispers and the talk. She was 'the most brilliant witch of her age.' She deserved someone who could offer her the world, not an older, broken man with too much blood on his hands. Even if she was the only thing that kept me sane in those last dark months, I could never let her know.

The last time we met before the battle, she told me she loved me. Just like that, out of nowhere. The thing I wanted to hear the most in the world was the thing I hoped she would never say. I knew then what I had to do. I would have to break her heart to save her from herself and me. I couldn't give her the life she needed. To be with me would be to lose everything: her friends, her standing in our world, her future. Even if I were to be acquitted someday, which I never even dreamed would happen, she deserved better than a scarred ex-Death Eater. So I said horrible things to her, told her she didn't know anything about love, that this was some silly infatuation, and I sent her away. I told her not to bother me again, and she left with tears streaming down her face. As I watched her leave, I couldn't help feeling like my entire world was leaving with her.

_  
_She went to the Order on the night before the battle and told them about me. She told them of my innocence and the work I had been doing for them since then. Even Harry couldn't argue when faced with all she said in my defense. When the battle began, no one questioned when I joined their side. When it was all over, and the Light had won, I looked for her. She lay motionless on the ground and at first I thought she'd been hit with the Killing Curse. I ran to her, terrified. When I reached her, I realized that she was still alive, unconscious, and I called for someone, anyone, to help. I tried every healing spell I could think of, but she still wouldn't wake. A Healer from St. Mungo's arrived at my side and Apparated her to the hospital. She stayed there for a month, comatose. I knew that if I went during the day there would be a crowd of the remaining Order members by her side, and I was still a wanted man, so I snuck in to see her at night. I would sit by her bed and talk to her. I told her that she must wake up; she had so much left to do. And I told her that I loved her too, that if she really loved me she would wake up so that we could be together. When she finally recovered, I went back into hiding.

Eventually, the Ministry dropped the charges against me. Hermione was the key witness in my defense. I'm a free man for the first time in two years. Minerva visits me often, trying to persuade me to rejoin the world. I think she knows why I can't, though. I'm terrified I'll see Hermione somewhere. I don't know what I would do if that happened. She told me that Hermione's first word when she woke from her coma was my name. That only made things worse for me. It stirred hope that maybe she could be mine after all. It gave me hope that perhaps, after all I'd done, she still loved me. At first I thought that she would come to me, but after months of waiting and watching I realize that I succeeded in my plan. I have truly driven her away forever. The only woman I will ever love is gone, and now I finally know the truth. Of all the mistakes I've ever made in my life, the worst was breaking her heart.


End file.
